mood:
hello chat! you are tuning into the almost bi monthly series!!
its early in the morning right now no music just the keyboard and tbh summer has been really good to me so far. i just got through the heat wave and that was only for maybe 2, 3 days and i have been really happy with this summer. sometimes when im on summer vaccation and i think to myself and worry "what if im summering wrong??" "should i be spending my time better!?" and lowk for some reason those thoughts just disapeared and i can finally just enjoy myself and my free time! i have been on a diet and i have been running more recently so that is probably contributing to my overall feeling of wholeness and such.
but the real reason as to why im writing here today....
my mf opp wont stop talking about me and its the actual funniest shit ever lmao. they cant get my name out they mouth, so they tryna talk thru da block !!
its actually so funny and i want to respond so bad because they are so delusional. i musnt but i gotta talk abt this bc my hands are shaking and they gotta do somehting lmao. bro looked at me interacting with my friends and thought ts was a serious argument abt political philosophy; AHAHA! "i shoulda been there bro was losing so they had to call everything ragebait" dear chatters one of the people i was having a "super ceral" "argument" with pulled out a chat gpt charai image of them asking chat gpt a question. like bruh !! is you stupid!? i can tell you only reading my messages n nobody elses you gabe itch !! SYBAU!!
and i know i be breaking the opp rule number one: "dont talk abt ur opp or u gay asl for your opp and it be toxic yaoi n stuff" but like this is MY blog im gonna do as i please, lmao! i cant talk to this personally with anybody else but its so funny man i js gotta. he cant stop, its lowk sad if i were him BUT I AINT #RIPBOZO !!
mood:
Hey guys! its been a while! sorry about that last post, i was going thru some stuff but fret not dear readers because i am much better now and have new friends who are very cool! i have been wanting to write this post for a while but ive been putting it off because i simply keep forgetting lol. im either on call with friends or much to tired to write. i moved on from that whole situation with my old "friend" so everything is cool now! this has probably the happiest ive been in a long while. i just got thru testing month so it should be smooth sailing untill exams come up. ive usually had pretty good luck with my acedemics and stuff (even if it makes my friend a little jelly hehe) so i usually dont have to worry about stuff beyond my algebra 2 class exam.
also i now have a cool new group of friends who actually fw with me! not that i was HATED by the last one but it was still kind of toxic so im glad im out of there even if i do miss it just a little. but i think thats just my rose tinted glasses calling me. i wasnt too happy with it then so it would probably be not wise of me to want to go back now.
mood:
current song: Dark Thoughts-Lil Tecca
second of all on some more important news; i finally cut ties with a "friend" who lowk treated me like human garbage. im gonna be so fr i have never been happier. i feel like one honey badger was just peeled off of my back. i aint getting judged constantly no more, i aint being told im worthless no more, i aint be givin no lame ass excuses no more, and now? i have never felt more like my self. more comfortable in my own skin than when i came out as nb. i feel like i can finally be me. and,
i know the "person" in question will be reading this. they just love bouncing on me that much. so a little note just for you. ik ik how gracious of me.
dont talk to me. ever again. you always keep tellin me how much better your day was without me, you always tellin me you dont like me, you dont love me, and that i annoy you constantly. so im doing you a favor it seems. so just keep like 10ft away from me at all times. i dont want to see your ugly ass face ever again. your green goblin mask lowk be ruining my day. typa mug that make your bf change the subject when i ask "what do you see in them?"
And, im so sick of you constantly projecting your flaws onto me. i am not a hypocrite. i am not a narcissist. and i am most certainly nothing like you. dont tell no lies about me, and i wont tell no truths about you. (wua ne ne ner wua ne ne ner)
and to my lovely readers from the far corners of the web, id like to thank you. this website has been so wonderful for venting. its like a rage room of html for me to play around in.
mood:
current song: squidwards tiki land
mood:
current song: nothing lmao
but hey i started actually reading stuff on politcal philosophy. its something that has piqued my interest for quite a while but i just have been procrastinating so hard man. thats actually a massive problem i need to try and remedy. but yeah so a while back i actually started saving pdf's of books and stuff so ive started a bit of a file library of that. i mostly source my books from Archive.org, but i also found a good source from some digging and its called Project Gutenberg! but i had rememberd from a whileago i found this weird nieche subreddit called r/egoism and i was really intruiged to find out what the hell that meant but i procrastinated like actual several months no joke but now im actually reading Max Stirner; and i have to say the fandom for a 1840s anarchist german philosopher is kind of crazy if you can imagine.
but back to that pdf thing: im pretty sure i can share my copy of the pdf with my notes inside of the pdf and if i can figure it out and get it to work how i want it to it would be really cool to set up a little web library that you could just pick up a book and maybe see how i felt about something. thatd probably be a much better way to conserve memory of me now than just blogging once or twice a month lmao.
Oh! and other website updates! im planing to really spruce up my website maybe ill add cool stuf idk i have krita open now and im definitley going to make a much better button for my website. and also i may join some webrings so maybe more people can find out about me. and a whole bunch of other stuff who knows tbh.
mood:
current song: Lily Allen - Smile
hii chat! remember that whole last post, where i was very worried about my future? well, i think im gonna be a writer! its been in my face this whole time! what am i doing right now? writing! im writing for an audience! (mainly myself) but i think journaling like this is something i actually enjoy quite alot. my journaling and eventual website making all was led by a book called "Hole in my Life" by Jack Gantos. i think if i had a pinpoint id put it there. that book is probably the best thing that i ever done. reading that book made me realize how passionate of a writer i am. but then i forgot lmao. i forgot what i was really passionate about haha. makes me laugh a little. the irony blatant, i mean the whole reason why im writing this blog is to remember right? right. and i remembered that i completely forgot how great writing is. a little scared at my capability of forgetting everything; but im sure ill be fine. i made it this far right? and now i have a direction!
mood:
current song: shrimp quartet
hey guys. how do i start this lol. hold on. ok this song is super overstimulating but thats kind of the goal cause i got a lot of stuff on my mind recently.
ok. i kind of made it to the point of teenhood where the system kinda breathes down ur neck untill you kindof just figure your whole life out at 15. i already missed a bunch of sweet opportunitys apparently and i still dont really know what im gonna do for the rest of my life. im like super nervous and all sick in my stomach and theres not a whole lot i can do about it but just think about it long and hard. the thought of my future has been kind of a topic i just avoided i guess. i just like living in the momement i suppose. im "kinda good" at all kinds of stuff. the problem is choosing. its so hard for me. its been this impossible hurdle standing above the whole track and ive just been racing toward it not really thinking about a plan to scale it. because "how does one just lay out their whole future infront of them?" has always been a question and its a question ive been avoiding basically my whole life. i mean, i dont HAVE to figure it all out now; but i am STRONGLY ENCOURAGED to do so. ive always been "kinda good" in my classes. failing at school never threatened me because it probably wont happen at the point i am at. and theres so many things i am "kinda good" at. i like science; i think its rad as shit. do i want to do it forever and have that be what im known for? eeehhhhhhhh. actually, "what im known for" is a really good question that i havent asked myself till now. maybe ill look into that. what do i want to be known for?
(i love writing this blog lmao. i probably would have never hit that conclusion if i didnt write any of my thoughts down in this wonderful website. thats really funny to me.)
mood:
hey guys its been awhile hasnt it? im not doing this on purpose i swear. its just that not alot has happnened recently thats big enough for me to blog abt. ive been really sick this past week and its probably the most sick ive been like ever. havent had alot to do recently obviously; ive been stuck at home all week lmao. im looking back at the past entries in my thing and it feels like yesterday. but its not yesterday. a whole month has passed between now and then. i i hate time. hate it. it warps my reality makes me forget sometimes. i feel like a schizo writing this and i dont know what im writing give me a sec to think. lol.
well, firstly i do hate time. i really do. a month is such a long time. and i can barely recall anything that happened off the top of my head. its a void. this is why i write the blog. looking back at those entries its like a little window to my past. i can really see myself through them. how i was feeling then. thats beautiful in my opinion. its a luxury my actual memory fails to provide. if you were to ask me something eventful that happened last week i probably couldnt give you an awnser. but when i read those entries i remember it all. the exact eviorment i was in with perfect detail. it makes me very happy to reread those old blogs. even if they dont feel so old 4 months is a long time. atleast in my view. it might not be. maybe its ok that i dont remember the nuance to every melancholy. its just melancholy afterall isnt it? hah. sorry its got this personal but i need to put this somewhere i can look back too and thats what this blog is used for lol. also my thoughts are all over the place. mustve been hard to read sorry gamers.
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Hey Blog! I finally came out to my friends! the reaction: lukewarm as hoped. although i wish it felt like more of a big deal secretly, it still is great that it was positve of course it just.. yknow? maybe could have been bigger but hey im not complaining.
On other news.. im really loving the anitok 2020 revival going on tiktok rn! ive had so much fun making a glitter pfp for loop from isat! its been wonderful mooting so many other likeminded individuals! i never really had any social media in 2020 because i was like 11 then but now im at an age where i can actually enjoy this kind of stuff! the idea of people being weird and different on purpose facinates me and makes me so wondefully joyous. it brings a smile to my face.
im also trying to update my blog much more frequently because i have a poor mememory and i would love to look back to my past and im just not able to do that at times and it makes me very sad. i want to be able to rememeber every little event from this year! i want to rememeber how things made me feel and how they affected me! no more endless scroll! down with big brother haha!
Bye Blog! see you soon hopefully!
mood:
mood:
hey chat. merry xmas? i think im non-binary? and i dont really know how to tell my close friends? (whom i hope are NOT reading this right now; dear god.) and i really dont know how else to let this little secret out other than my little website. (SORRY FOR NOT UPLODING BTW!!! OMG ITS BEEN A MONTH?!) i just kind of wish i had the strength to tell them f2f but i dont think i can handle that kind of pressure. i cant just drop little hints again like i did with me coming out as gay! i dodged a bullet then but what now!? "oh hey im like maybe trans but im not gonna say it forrealsies untill you find out yourself! HAHA! EHGFHFGJPQOJGQOHGQJUBG WHAT DO I DO??? arrrhhgh you know maybe i do hope one of my friends opens my diary. peel of the bandaid for me! it might hurt me a little, but itsd probably for the best? i doubt it. my website was last months thing. they all probably forgot about it like i did. fuck.
mood:
yo, sorry i havent updated in a while. i guess i just have nothing interesting to update my blog with lol. i got really caught up with a new fo4 playthrough so i kind of forgot about the website lol. fallout four has kind of been the "fast food of gaming" to me; i just really hate everything bethesda does with the story. all of the gameplay tweaks hoever? yes. i think they are great. (just bring back special items from fallout new vega.) thats probably why i dont like fallout four that much; i kind of came in and expected more fallout new vegas and instead i got something worse. im sorry. i feel like im complaining to much; colgator out.
mood:
hey, guys! i dont really know what to put here yet.... this is whats on my page i guess.? ill still update my blog and stuff but i still need to like, LEARN html. id say ive come pretty far for a complete beginner. (is that how you spell that? theres no spell check in the html editor so idk)(yes im to lazy to google it and double yes this is going to be the first thing people read on my website and triple yes i def dont care lol.)
mood:
holy fuck kendrick dropped holy omg
this album is so good im writing a blog about it what am i doing
mood:
hey, this is my first entry, ive been learning html from scratch basically and its been pretty fun. html honestly kind of just clicks for me.
i certainly dont know about css or anything for that matter. im still got ways to go i guess lol.